Ten year anniversary

The traditional gift for a tenth wedding anniversary is tin or aluminum. This makes me think of Sue's cabin. She loved her little nook on the hillside. She lived with me for a while during its completion. She had hoped that it would be finished and she could move in immediately after Alderson but it took longer than that. I don't remember a lot about her staying with me except that she was easy company. One of Sue's remarkable qualities was her balance of ferocity and total guileless love. Fierce in her convictions and protection of what and whom she loved - and she loved a great many people and enjoyed many things.

Ten years is a long time to not talk to somebody. If Sue were alive, and we were living as far apart as I am now from that hillside, how often would we talk? Her cabin had grounded her in Newport, but her work may have taken her elsewhere. Her heart might have guided her elsewhere. Sue certainly got busy with the things right in front of her, but she connected deeply with her friends and maintained relationships over great distances. Now she is in another universe and I still feel her all of the time. I'm pretty sure she is playing with hair as I type this and giving me strength.

Metaphysically inclined or not, a memory if not a present experience still informs us after someone has passed to the other side of the veil. Sue's example remains an informing force for anyone who experienced her attention. She was present and vigilant and kind and curious and funny and sensual. She served the micro and the macro. She loved to read. She loved to ride. She loved to learn. She loved to teach. She loved to laugh. She loved to drink. She loved music - especially raggae. She loved men. She loved nature. She loved her family and her animals. We were all her family. She especially loved her young niece, Deanna, and wanted her to inherit a world that was just and at peace.

Sue was a scientist and a humanitarian. The scientist in her was organized and logical, but her deep commitment to a better planet was grounded deeply in faith and trust that it was possible. She BELIEVED that world could be better, and that it would be better if we all worked toward that. She did not tolerate greed.

That Sue's life ended violently bears lessons, too. She struggled at the end with what was the right action. She set boundaries for her assailant - reluctantly at first, because she wanted to be compassionate - and he violated those boundaries. I say reluctantly at first only because she knew that as a mentally ill person, Nik's community may be all that was holding him together, she did not think him capable of taking her life, and she did not want to cut him off from a caring community. The justice system had proved during his prison and jail time after Fort Benning that they would not treat him. He was ill, she knew, and he had recently exhibited a propensity to be selfish and violent, but her experiences of him as a peace-seeking and good-hearted person were strong. She thought, this, too, shall pass.

Sue had a lot more that she wanted to do with her life, and she sought to protect her ambitions - all of which were about serving others. That her former home went down in flames with her is probably appropriate. After a fire, sometimes those aluminum roofs are all that remain. "Downtown" Newport was rebuilt after a massive fire with that in mind - all of the buildings have metal roofs. What I remember most about that house were porch parties. White russians, beer, guitars, singing, laughter, dogs. No indoor plumbing or electricity, but we had love and friendship. And without Sue physically with us, we still have love.

That old familiar pull

Can't help but wonder if Sue would be up at Occupy Wall Street. Or if she would have started her own - Occupy Virginia Tech or similar.

It's mid-November and I have the familiar tug of missing my lovely friend. I dedicated my yoga practice to her this morning. Actually, I got on the mat today just to dedicate a practice to her.

She continues to inspire me. I miss you, Sue!! Love, Di

In the hustle and bustle, you are still here

Someday I will finish all of the songs that I have started for you.
Someday I will realize that you are a part of all inspiration for me.
You are part of my conscience.
The world was better with you in it, breathing and living and spreading your sunshine and power all over everything you touched.
Stay with me, dear friend. Be near me and let me feel your strength. Protect and guide me - I will recognize your cues.
You are pure light now. We always saw it in you. And we miss it still.

Love always,
Your Di

Five Years

This morning around 4 am I awoke from a dream. In the dream I was with a group and we suspected that one of the women's husband had just passed away. One of the other women was a channel and the two of us faced each other and connected arms on one side and hands on the other and prepared to check and see if the husband had joined the spirit world. I felt a presence come into my body and I filled with the most intense white light. In my vision I could see the others in the glow of the light coming from me and they were all shocked and a little afraid and once I was full of the light my vision in the dream was gone - and I believe my consciousness because I was going to be used as a channel. I awoke from the dream with my arms in the position of the dream and what woke me was my heavy, loud breathing. I had an intense warmth in my heart center that radiated slowly to the rest of my body. I felt it the deepest in my heart and when it got to my ears. I was a little bit afraid to move and stayed very still until my breathing settled. My second thought upon waking was Sue. Hours later as I write this I can still feel a sensation in my heart center.

The day after the incident five years ago, Anna had a similar visit from Sue. She didn't know that Sue and Nik were gone and she had a dream that a beautiful white light spirit entered her body and used her arms to reach down into infinity and cradle the head of a man who was crying and saying "I'm so so sorry." When I told her about the search - before we had found Nik's body - she gasped but didn't tell me the dream. It was on day two of the search that she told me. The good news was that since Sue's spirit did not have human form that she had fully transitioned and was in a very good place.

I had a few dreams shortly after Sue's death where we got to hang out. Those were fun dreams. Sue had the greatest capacity for fun. I will forever miss her.

It's been four years

It has been four years and I still feel the loss of Sue. Two weeks ago I was in the woods and it was just the kind of day we spent looking for her. I was back in that place of fear and hope and despair. Please let us find her safe, knowing it was probably not possible. Only she is safe - she is part of the greatness of the universe now. I sure do miss her here, though. Love, Di

From Megan on November 17, 2007

hello dear ones

as i'm sure many of us do, i find my thoughts turning to sue in mid-autumn, and once November comes it is every day I think of her spirit and hope she is in peace.
today i walked in the winter sun with my dog rufus, and the final yellow, orange, and red leaves are falling in the bright clear morning light. I have been seeing many birds this fall which make me think of sue.

i remember in the days after her death i was in airplane flying through some incredible clouds and i felt her presence so strongly there high above the earth as light streaming and surrounding the powerful cumulus in 3D. Having just lost my father this october, it makes me think of how a spirit is so often present in the days after their death. and as time passes, and perhaps we sense their proximity less, i see that as i sign of their peace.

and have been thinking of her work with mountains in virginia and west virginia, so for this year am making a donation to http://www.mountainjusticesummer.org/index.php
which jane lehr once posted. (but can someone tell me if the fund in sue's name of appalachian voices that jonson once posted is better and if so how to link it?)

a year ago her sister helen died on this day, the night before the second anniversary of sue's murder, which still breaks my heart as yet another tragedy linked to this violence and loss.
jennie has been working these past four years in a shelter for women and children fleeing violence. i am grateful for all the energy she puts into the world making safe spaces for women.
i am thankful for all of our courage as friends and community of sue who keep taking action in the world and speaking up for what we believe.

my love to you all,
megan

Helen

It is with deep sadness that I tell you that Helen passed away in her sleep on 11/17/06. Cindi said that her death was peaceful, and they are deeply comforted by that. Helen taught these words to me that appear later in these pages:

Courage, sister, you do not walk alone
We will walk with you, and guide your spirit home

Helen Daniels, Presente!

A Walk Through the Graveyard

With love from Megan on this second anniversary of Sue's passing...

A Walk Through the Graveyard
by Mary Oliver

Now as the cold November wind
Sweeps across the matted hills,
I walk where the crackling weathers shake
The many birds, the manifold leaves,
And try to find a thing that grieves
To hear the cloth of snow come on,
To hear the panting, boneless step
Of death that waits to take the world—
And learn how nothing, nothing cares.
To the tree, the river, the dreamless hill
That have spilled their seed and fruit away,
Death is the brimming of the cup,
Time’s simple and most natural close.

Though it is easier not to dream,
to bother as the hard years fall,
To take no friend or hope or brother,
How will we know that we have lived
In a world apart from leaves and wind?
The rich who give their days to toys,
The proud who cannot learn to break,
The greedy with no hearts at all
Will win the tinsels of the earth
And rot in tunnels soft as snow.
Those alone, who took the chance
And practiced love, and dared despair,
Will never fall from shapes of grace;
Those alone, who came to care
The way it was with other lives,
Have struggled above rock and beast,
Have set the grain against the rest,
And, beautiful as trees still green,
Argue the winter of this place.